Greetings foul tongued air breathers! Today my dinner ghosts asked me why the underground of Edinburgh has so many things built over the top of it. I told him that it wouldn't be underground if it didn't eh? Or rather if it didn't have the ground over the top of it then what was built below would at no time be referred to as below unless the foresight had been such that a realization of what would one day be above had already been understood in the below.It seems this has not satisfied his curiosity so perhaps the best way to explain is to start at the beginning. Or at least halfway through the beginning of the middle.
Edinburgh's Old Town has certainly changed a great deal over the centuries. The oldest known settlement on Castle Rock dates all the way back to 7000bc! In the the 12th Century the city was granted the status of a town and in the 16th Century the Edinburghers built a wall around their town.Why build a wall around the town? To keep out snotty English people and smelly Highlanders! Bring the wall back I should say, and hanging is too good while we are at it.
So it goes that in 1513 the Queen of France sent a letter to King James IV of Scotland. The letter said "Bonjours King Jacques, join avec moi and let oui destroy the silly English persons!". A very pretty turquoise ring was delivered with the envelope and the King liked the ring, so Scotland went to war.
The first man to die in the war was King James IV of Scotland. At the battle of Flodden he positioned his heavy cannons at the top of a hill then remembered they were to big to aim down. Oopsadaisy! In a panic he led the Scottish army charging down the hill towards the English army and into a swamp.
The King had never been in a fight in his life much less a battlefield. It was a massacre, some ten thousand Scottish casualties in a matter of minutes. Almost all the nobility of Scotland had been killed in one fell swoop and when the people of Edinburgh discovered what had happened, well, their trousers filled up with the brown stuff.
With no King to think rationally and no army to protect the city a decision was made. Build a Wall!
Construction began immediately on the Flodden Wall. Forty feet tall and half a mile by quarter mile it fully enclosed the South, East and West of the city. It's just a shame it took fifty six years to build... Luckily for the builders and their children the immediate invasion of Scotland never took place because it must be said that the Flodden Wall was never good at keeping people out. It was, however, very good at keeping them in.
For very soon after completion of the wall the people of Edinburgh became terrified of the world beyond their city. Highlanders! English! English Highlanders! The fear was so great that most people born in Edinburgh in the 17th Century would die in Edinburgh in the 17th Century without ever gong outside their walls.
This led to a huge population increase and with no space to build more houses inside the wall, the decision was taken to start building houses on top of houses. Edinburgh's skyscrapers are born!
These old skyscrapers were some of the tallest in Europe, one reached the height of sixteen levels. In the 17th Century! Made from wood, with thatched roofs and no planning permission, these giant structures were extremely safe places to live. They were in fact so safe that other buildings would be built leaning against them for extra support. Of course what this means is if one building were to collapse then the rest would follow like a line of dominoes. Edinburgh could collapse in an instant.
Living at the top of one of these titans was very dangerous but living at ground level the smell was over bearing. Like my Benedict Cumberbatches after they have not been washed for a year! It was such a foul odor at street level Edinburgh because of the lack of toilets. For three hundred years all sewage just went straight out the window and into the crowded streets below.
Today we have no skyscrapers left in Edinburgh and almost all of the Flodden Wall has come down. Where did it all go? That will have to be another story for another day. I have a luncheon appointment with a young boy who will be frightfully hot and bothered if I don't see to him soon. Fare ye well mortals, or as they say in France; "Reservoir!"
James Douglas of Castle Drumlanrig
Cityofedinburghtours.com
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